What is one of the biggest worries for a spouse when their partner dies?
How do I handle the finances!!
Household bill paying is a one-person job in most families. Although both members of the couple may know how to write checks or access accounts online, it is rarely a “team sport”.
This is not just a problem for women, but for whomever is not the usual bill payer. The thought of handling the family finances is akin to having a root canal for many people.
It’s time to have “The Talk” about finances!
The main issue is understanding the other person’s accounting system. Sometimes there is reticence in sharing how their system works, and sometimes it is just baffling to the other person. That’s because each person has a different system.
My financial journey started at the ATM machine the week after my husband’s death. Our children had flown in from the far corners of the country upon hearing their father was in intensive care after a massive heart attack. Last minute flights and parking at the airport for days was costly, and I wanted to reimburse them generously. I gave them checks to cover their expenses. Maybe I was a little too generous… I put my ATM card into the machine and instead of cash, a receipt came out saying I had $0 funds in my account. Wait? What?
I went into the bank and threw myself on the mercy of the banker. Not only didn’t I have any money in my checking account, I had no idea how to transfer money from the investment account to replenish it. Bob had always handled that.
I also had no idea what monthly bills were paid by auto pay, bill pay, check, or credit card? I didn’t know his system.
After learning how to transfer money from one account to another, refilling my checking account, and getting a printout of what bills are paid from what accounts, I went home to set up my own system. The Wells Fargo banker assisting me was a life-saver that day!
By the end of the week, I had developed my own filing system, so I knew where everything was. I felt empowered. My attitude went from “poor me” to “I can do this”.
So the question is, how can you and your spouse develop a system that will work for both of you, when the need arises. This is also a perfect time to make a list of passwords, and discuss insurance, investments, mortgages, etc.
DISCUSSION TIPS:
1. Take the time to talk about finances and how to make it an easy transition if the bill payer is sick or unable to pay the bills for a month or two, or forever.
2. Listen to the concerns of the person who isn’t familiar with your system.
3. The non bill-paying partner should practice handling the finances for a month or two so they get a hands-on experience and have questions answered.
4. Set up Automatic Payments (Auto Pay) or Bill Pay to pay bills on a recurring basis. This can be a convenient way to make sure bills are paid on time.
- With automatic payments, you give permission to a company to take payments from your bank account. (utility bills, cable bills, credit card bills, etc.).
- With recurring bill-pay, you give your bank permission to take money from your account to send to a company on a regular basis.
5. Make a list of the special bills that come once a year and need special attention, such as Lee County Real Estate Taxes, Flood Insurance, etc.
6. Use ACH (Automated Clearing House) for paying the monthly Verandah Club bill, or Verandah Community Association quarterly bills when possible. The money is withdrawn from your account and adjusts automatically when fees go up or down, so there is no late fee.
7. Private bill paying services, known as Daily Money Managers (DMMs) help manage day-to-day finances by sorting mail, paying bills, reconciling bank accounts, and tracking medical expenses for a fee.
In the end, setting up your finances so they work seamlessly, and you both understand them, is a wonderful gift when you need it most.
Stephanie Levin
Gerontologist
Banking Information from: Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (September, 2025)
